When You Love Someone And He/She Doesn’t Love You Back

I was asked yesterday by a friend from High School a question (Bakit di nya ako mahal, love ko naman sya?) while we were talking over the phone. Apparently, the question also hit me a bit so I’ve afterwards gave her my hugot answers.

Let’s be real, it’s easier to think it’s somebody or something else’s fault tan admit that you need to change — and can change, grow develop, become more exciting, more inspiring, more positive, less negative, less antagonistic, less pushy, less needy, less rigid in your thinking and ways, less predictable, more intimate, more loving. It begins and it ends with who YOU are. 

It is important to know and love yourself first before the man or woman you love can love you.

It’s one thing to love yourself and know that you are lovable and love worthy and it’s another to be able to express that “best in you” in ways that make others want to know and love you too.

The common approach practiced by many people (and taught by many dating and relationship experts, as far as I can remember) is to decide on the kind of person you want to attract (remember those “What I want my partner to be” lists) and then try to figure out how to get him/her. And may be you’re one of those people who’ve been reading books, magazines and internet articles. You learned and maybe have implemented a few of those hard to get hold of “secret techniques” (put on your best dress/shirt, give your best smile, deliver your best pick-up line or flirtatious moves) and done and said all the romantic stuff (like “yes, honey” or “please, baby” or “thank you, love” etc) but still no joy.

A few good talks, great laughs, memorable times spent together etc., but as you’re falling in love with this wonderful guy or girl,  the other person pulls away. Your immediate reaction  is to desperately try to do this or that “technique”, but the more you try to show you love, the more the other person doesn’t want you. Ironic!!

You’re like… What happened? You were just being yourself alright but you were DOING the dating savvy, equipped with the newest YOU. Whatever is inside of you (insecurity, doubts, anger, shame, sense of inadequacy, neediness or low self-worth etc.) popped up like unwanted ads on your dating/relationship status. The other person didn’t like WHO you were selling and evetually pulled back. Sad.

Anyways, if you’re constantly worrying or analyzing or scheming or manipulating etc., with the hope of “getting it right” with a particular person, you are not BEING yourself but instead DOING yourself.

When this happens there is a “DISCONNECT” in who you are honestly trying to be on the surface and “who you really feel you are” on a deeper level. You and the man or woman you love, may not even realize the exact moment the “disconnect” begins to happen but somehow the other person starts to withdraw attachments or simply cuts bail and runs. You are left wondering “where the hell did I go wrong this time, I was just being myself with him/her?” That’s sad and yet painful. You conclude that the problem must be with him/her and move on to the next person, only for the same thing to happen again, and again, and again…

If something is happening to you over and over, it’s not the people you date/have a relationship with, or the techniques you’re using, it’s YOU! Kainis ka!

You’ve got to lose yourself to find YOU.

Losing yourself means forgetting what WAS and get excited about what IS. Gets? This requires you to re-evaluate yourself (and your beliefs about dating, love, relationships, intimacy, sex etc.,) from time to time and see yourself in a new light every single time.

Losing yourself to find you also requires you to get rid of expectations.

Many of my friends don’t like it when I tell them, “The cause of your pain is not him/her”. He isn’t hurting you. You’re hurting yourself. She doesn’t upset you. You upset yourself”.

I can see a look of panic in their faces because this is not how they’re used to thinking about their frustration, pain or hurt.

In other words, your (or our, in this matter) expectations are causing you to feel the way you feel. If you go around “just being yourself” without any expectations then you’re free to receive with open hands.

For example, if someone doesn’t call after the so called three-day dating rule, you’re not upset. If he or she calls the very next day, you don’t start worrying and overanalyzing if that is a good or bad sign. Remember, people are not placed on earth to meet your expectations.

If you can get into the spirit of BEING yourself instead of DOING yourself, you’ll find that you love yourself more. There is a natural ease about you which makes it easy for the people you love and want in your life to love and want to keep you in their lives.

Before, I have this so-called over inflated version of who I really am.. I always tend to have very high and often unrealistic expectations, standards, ideals and view of things. I also think and expect the other person to think, feel and behave like me when in a similar situation. And I often feel hurt, confused, betrayed.

It was hard but I think is better than having a low opinion of yourself. I mean, these people tend to have lower expectations or they harbour unsaid expectations because they don’t believe  they’re worth of anything more. They say and do things out of the need to be loved, liked, or wanted — contributing to the unrealistic expectations other people have of them. 

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