Thinking of You

I think of you the moment I wake up until I fall asleep at night. It bothers me but you seem to be the sunshine that always gives me light.

I think of you whether the place is in chaos or empty, whether the people are upset and annoy me.

I think of how you’ve been, how was your day, wishing you’re happy and everything’s okay.

I think of you as my clouds turn gray,
Hoping that one day, you won’t get tired saying “Hey.”

I think of you but it becomes something to worry about. I know I should not but sorry baby, I still can’t find the other way out.

TOWARDS YOU.

I think of you daily for months now. The days went on and they were all unpredictable. Some days were low and sad, some were up and bright. I used to call you a friend, then it came to the point that we acted like more than that. Until I almost said RIP to the friendship because you were troubled and then you left. Those days, weeks, without your messages put me down. I asked myself why it has to end in such a way. I put myself on the ground to realize if I really had lost something. Then I realized, why should I be sad if the one I love left me? You should be. Because you lost someone who loves you. I then convinced myself to cut ties and move on. But every time I go outside, something reminds you of me and I lose all the progress I made. Someone mentions your name, someone looks like you, someone smells like you, and it sucks that it all bring me back to where I started. I refused to reply on your text messages convincing myself that I could. But honestly, I’m hating myself every time I could not resist. Until one day, things do not bother me anymore. And then one day again, I think of you again and think of you more and more. Now, it is not your fault that I feel this way. It is not my fault as well but this is my choice. I hope there comes a day in our lives that we see each other happy with someone else’s arms, when neither of us is a trouble in mind or a chaos in head — the time that we could actually say, “We are very good friends.”

– AC
1:17 am

It’s OKAY. It’s Not His Fault.

I wish to convince you that reality backs me up here!

WE often say that it is ironic to have fallen for someone who doesn’t want us, or someone we cannot really have. We always wanna ask “WHY?”

Then we blame them. Because they did not love us back. But in real life, it’s beyond that, it’s more than that. If we only aren’t that selfish, we could answer our own question, “WHY?”.

We can’t be mad to someone who’s not wanting to be with us. Although I had a failed relationship, I still feel bad when people say “your ex is a jerk!” or “he’s an asshole!”.

No, we cannot call them like that for not  finding what they are searching for, in us. They have their reasons and it just so happened that we are no longer the ‘reason’ for them to stay and we’re just going to be a part of their ‘decision’. We are allowed to love but remember, it’s also bad to be selfish. We cannot hate them for being humans. They probably have their own needs, own desires, that they couldn’t find in us no matter how much they want to.

Not all people choose to hurt us even if they do, we have to understand that. Let’s just wish that someday, we eventually meet a person like us who’s too giving, understanding and loving and someone who would stay far way more than we expect.

Wanna Meet You in My Perspective?

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Early this morning, I was asked by someone to do a blog basically putting everything I think and I feel towards her. This is actually close to my other blogs, Letters To People. The only difference is that, in here, I’d be dishing everything to just ONE person. So let me get it started!

Okay. I said I’m going to start but I can’t yet. I don’t know how to start, haha! *deep breathe* (I need!)

In three, two, one….

It’s actually pretty hard to think because as far as I can remember I’ve already told you most of the things I think about you. Well, I’m just going to keep this going.

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Since I spent 25 minutes of thinking what to say, might as well read that first kase eto pa lang, magsisimula pa lang ako. 😀 That was a photo caption I posted before for you, I know you know that. Throwback lang 😀

So here na…

You were actually one of those hundreds of people I felt the urge to approach first. I don’t even have the idea why. You were a bit famous back then but I wasn’t hesitant to know you and to be friends with you because I know, we can be! Why not, gosh, sayang yun, opportunity mo na yun. Hahaha! But kidding aside though, I am happy we’ve met. 🙂

At first, I find you quite intimidating. You seem to have this very strong personality that even made me think you can always manipulate people. I was always afraid to ask you, or to tell you something, or to crack jokes because I don’t really know what’s going through your mind. I was just afraid that maybe, if I say something, you’ll think of something bad about me. And as the time goes by, I get to know you, your flaws, shortcomings, weaknesses and strengths. And I liked how it all went.

And as I’ve known you, you were the person who is most likely slow to trust people and when you do, you trust so much. You’re one of those oversensitive people. You used to be. You strongly get attached to things and when unwanted events come into your way, you overthink, and admit it, you usually divert things to negative thoughts. Well I don’t want to say you’re weak because you always do this. But refrain from doing it, okay? It’s no good for you. You are… indecisive. Remember the times when we used to talk about what’s wrong with your life? It’s because you cannot decide clearly what you want (in your life, career, love life).You’re easily annoyed by something you can’t accept or understand. Sometimes you wanted to feel strong even when I know, deep down, you were not. You take things personally sometimes. You’re frank and sometimes you do not know you are already hurting people including me.

But above all the flaws…

You are good enough. You’re the person who doesn’t like to go to parties to drink and to dance but instead you go out with your friends over milk teas, coffees, movies, etc,.That is life for you. You know your priorities. You’re not really fond of reading books, but you always want to know what’s inside, what’s the story. And you get used to reading. You’re good in conversations, you listen well and you say things better. You inspire people with your bravery and courage to stick to things that you are not really used to do and how you are passionate on work. You’re one of those friends who always over-weigh the good traits from the bad (proven). You’re one of those women who stand behind his man to support him in every inch of the way he’s leading to. You’re the masungit sister of someone but I know you love her. You’re not that close to your Mama and Papa but I know you love them generously. And lastly… You’re the person I wish to say thank you for being you.

(I did not sugarcoat things up there, I wish you knew! Hahaha. It came the way it is. It’s really hard to think of your bad sides or the things that I hate about you because maybe you are that good)

Let me just leave you a message.

I cannot define a good friendship without you. I hope in time, you’d get to believe more in yourself and try to control and hold more of your feelings so you don’t end up sad or hurt because as of now, that lacks in you. I pray for your sunshine everyday and whether it comes rainy one day, you know who you would call. Hm, what else.. I’m sorry for those times I disappoint you and pissed you off. I didn’t mean to. I’ve learned a lot things from you and I’m still learning. Thank you for everything! This aren’t all nice words but I hope you appreciate this. I hope to see you soon! Take care. I’m blessed to have you! 🙂

PS.

Make something like this for me, too! Haha

The Sunday Currently Vol. 1

Hello! I haven’t done this yet. Obviously, this is VOLUME ONE so it means, this is the first! You should pity the fool, who in this case is me.

READING

I have no new books so I’m spending some time reading some articles from Elite Daily.

WRITING

Just blogging for now but I want to write someone a letter. HAHA!

LISTENING

I am on Ellie Goulding hangover again. Since I watched 50 Shades of Grey, I couldn’t get this song out of my head. “Love me like you do, la la love me like you do” Later LSS ka na 😁😝

THINKING

Of someone, as usual. Ha ha! Kidding. I’m just thinking what it is like to have a $10 Billion.

SMELLING

My shirt. I have no idea why I smell like a baby. Wooooh. Sorry for that face of annoyance ✌

WISHING

I am with somebody right now having some Smore’s or Nutella ice cream while watching movies.

HOPING

What’s the difference of wishing and hoping?

LOVING

Fresh air that’s coming from my room’s windows. Ahhhh. It’s refreshing.

NEEDING

New clothess!!

FEELING

I don’t know what it is called but it’s when girls are you know, on their period. Sigh

WEARING

Another white oversized tee that I bought from Bench and a pink comfy shorts short.

When You Love Someone And He/She Doesn’t Love You Back

I was asked yesterday by a friend from High School a question (Bakit di nya ako mahal, love ko naman sya?) while we were talking over the phone. Apparently, the question also hit me a bit so I’ve afterwards gave her my hugot answers.

Let’s be real, it’s easier to think it’s somebody or something else’s fault tan admit that you need to change — and can change, grow develop, become more exciting, more inspiring, more positive, less negative, less antagonistic, less pushy, less needy, less rigid in your thinking and ways, less predictable, more intimate, more loving. It begins and it ends with who YOU are. 

It is important to know and love yourself first before the man or woman you love can love you.

It’s one thing to love yourself and know that you are lovable and love worthy and it’s another to be able to express that “best in you” in ways that make others want to know and love you too.

The common approach practiced by many people (and taught by many dating and relationship experts, as far as I can remember) is to decide on the kind of person you want to attract (remember those “What I want my partner to be” lists) and then try to figure out how to get him/her. And may be you’re one of those people who’ve been reading books, magazines and internet articles. You learned and maybe have implemented a few of those hard to get hold of “secret techniques” (put on your best dress/shirt, give your best smile, deliver your best pick-up line or flirtatious moves) and done and said all the romantic stuff (like “yes, honey” or “please, baby” or “thank you, love” etc) but still no joy.

A few good talks, great laughs, memorable times spent together etc., but as you’re falling in love with this wonderful guy or girl,  the other person pulls away. Your immediate reaction  is to desperately try to do this or that “technique”, but the more you try to show you love, the more the other person doesn’t want you. Ironic!!

You’re like… What happened? You were just being yourself alright but you were DOING the dating savvy, equipped with the newest YOU. Whatever is inside of you (insecurity, doubts, anger, shame, sense of inadequacy, neediness or low self-worth etc.) popped up like unwanted ads on your dating/relationship status. The other person didn’t like WHO you were selling and evetually pulled back. Sad.

Anyways, if you’re constantly worrying or analyzing or scheming or manipulating etc., with the hope of “getting it right” with a particular person, you are not BEING yourself but instead DOING yourself.

When this happens there is a “DISCONNECT” in who you are honestly trying to be on the surface and “who you really feel you are” on a deeper level. You and the man or woman you love, may not even realize the exact moment the “disconnect” begins to happen but somehow the other person starts to withdraw attachments or simply cuts bail and runs. You are left wondering “where the hell did I go wrong this time, I was just being myself with him/her?” That’s sad and yet painful. You conclude that the problem must be with him/her and move on to the next person, only for the same thing to happen again, and again, and again…

If something is happening to you over and over, it’s not the people you date/have a relationship with, or the techniques you’re using, it’s YOU! Kainis ka!

You’ve got to lose yourself to find YOU.

Losing yourself means forgetting what WAS and get excited about what IS. Gets? This requires you to re-evaluate yourself (and your beliefs about dating, love, relationships, intimacy, sex etc.,) from time to time and see yourself in a new light every single time.

Losing yourself to find you also requires you to get rid of expectations.

Many of my friends don’t like it when I tell them, “The cause of your pain is not him/her”. He isn’t hurting you. You’re hurting yourself. She doesn’t upset you. You upset yourself”.

I can see a look of panic in their faces because this is not how they’re used to thinking about their frustration, pain or hurt.

In other words, your (or our, in this matter) expectations are causing you to feel the way you feel. If you go around “just being yourself” without any expectations then you’re free to receive with open hands.

For example, if someone doesn’t call after the so called three-day dating rule, you’re not upset. If he or she calls the very next day, you don’t start worrying and overanalyzing if that is a good or bad sign. Remember, people are not placed on earth to meet your expectations.

If you can get into the spirit of BEING yourself instead of DOING yourself, you’ll find that you love yourself more. There is a natural ease about you which makes it easy for the people you love and want in your life to love and want to keep you in their lives.

Before, I have this so-called over inflated version of who I really am.. I always tend to have very high and often unrealistic expectations, standards, ideals and view of things. I also think and expect the other person to think, feel and behave like me when in a similar situation. And I often feel hurt, confused, betrayed.

It was hard but I think is better than having a low opinion of yourself. I mean, these people tend to have lower expectations or they harbour unsaid expectations because they don’t believe  they’re worth of anything more. They say and do things out of the need to be loved, liked, or wanted — contributing to the unrealistic expectations other people have of them.